I have been out of action for a week now, because my back let out last week. I had been throwing myself at so many activities, helping lots of people with things because I love to be helpful, as well as dealing with my own day to day responsibilities.
Having lots of things to do all the time has been the state of affairs for so many years now and I don’t even have a family. It doesn’t even matter why I was busy, because we are all very good at making ourselves appear busy and using that as an excuse for not being present in the moment. I didn’t even realise that I was such a great player in the league of competitive busy-ness and suffering.
The first couple of days of back injury were a blessing in disguise because I actually really needed the rest so I slept a LOT. In this time I’ve also managed to start dealing with some basic admin tasks that had been on the very bottom of my to do list for so long.
Today I woke up and realised that I don’t really have anything specific I have to be doing. Yes I could find things to do, we’ve already established I am good at doing that, and it has nothing to do with boredom, I don’t feel bored because I could find something to do in a second. Like write this post! But I had to acknowledge that there was nothing absolutely urgent for me to be doing. And that made me feel a bit panicked actually.
I am not prone to anxiety, but I have just been re-reading A New Earth by Eckart Tolle, who encourages just observing our thoughts and feelings. So rather than play with my phone all day (which I have done a little bit), I have decided to do just as he advises.
The first question that came to me was WHO AM I underneath all this anyway?
But I am not here to tell you what I discovered by asking this question. I am here to give you the opportunity to ask yourself the question too. Because I really I don’t know. But I feel most of us never make room to find out, and maybe we ought to. So please excuse me now, I am going back to contemplating this.